Leaving Love

Last week, I had to take medication for a sinus infection. I'd been battling it for 4 days when I broke down on Tuesday and called my doctor for antibiotics. He prescribed a "Z-pac," with the instructions to take two pills the first day and one a day for the next 3 days. I did as instructed, and also used a nasal inhaler/antihistamine to try to clear my nose.

About an hour later, I started to feel disoriented and weak in my body. It was about 7:30 PM, and Freddie had already left for work. I called him and asked him to come home, because I felt like I would pass out if I got up to try to put Samy to bed. Luckily, he hadn't gotten on the highway, so it wasn't a big deal for him to turn around.

I went to bed, but couldn't fall asleep. I had the very real, very immediate feeling that I was leaving my body. After Freddie tucked Samy in, I asked him to lie down with me. "I feel like I'm leaving," I told him. "Where are you going," he asked? "I feel like I'm leaving my body," I said. "What are you talking about," he wondered? I repeated it. "You're having a reaction to the medication," he said. But I was so convinced. I thought about Mariel and Samy. "Mariel knows how much I love her," I sobbed to Freddie, "but you have to remind Samy. She's so young. And you know how much I love you. But you have to promise me that you'll go to Walpan and let them know what happened. I don't want them to think I stopped caring."

Freddie humored me. And he tried to make me laugh. "You can't die," he said. "We have to start lifting weights together. And you promised to take me sky-diving." But I was devastated to think I wouldn't get to say goodbye to Nikky, Richard, Julia, and the other residents of Walpan. "Promise me you'll make sure everyone knows how much I love them. Promise me you'll let them know that I didn't stop caring." "I promise," he said.

Mariel came home, and Freddie went downstairs to check in with her. I found a piece of paper and wrote down, "Please tell everyone how much I love them."

When I woke up in the morning, I was so surprised to still be here! Wow. Hallucinating on medication is a powerful thing. I saw the note next to my bed and for a moment, did not remember writing it. Freddie had written on the bottom, "Everyone knows how much you love them every day."

It feels good that I wasn't scared of leaving. But I'm glad to stay. I'm glad to still have time to give love. It's much sweeter than leaving love.