Following Your Curriculum

Ram Dass has a great way of putting things. He says that whatever is going on in our lives -- job; family obligations -- is our "curriculum." And our job is to do the best we can with the most positive attitude we can muster. As in school, not every course is a favorite, but we still give our best effort and try to get that "A."

I try to remind myself of this when I feel like I just can't cut the crusts off another peanut butter and potato bread sandwich. But being a mom, and all that goes with it, is part of my curriculum. And so as I spread the peanut butter, I chant "love and magic," and put a special note in Samy's lunchbox, reminding myself of the smile it will bring to her face.

When I was in my 20's, I was so scared of life's curriculum that I used to wish I could just fast-forward to the end of my life, knowing all that had gone before. I didn't want to do the living; I just wanted to have the memories. The magnitude of all that was possible -- both the pleasure and the pain -- was so terrifying that I just wanted it to be behind me. I wanted to be like the residents of Walpan, just sitting quietly, watching the world, and looking back.

Some of the residents of Walpan are content and peaceful. Others, like Richard, are lonely and sad. And others, like Nikky, don't even have their memories. And then there's my grandmother, Elsie, who left this world in 2002. She was so angry in the end -- angry at getting old and losing her strength and independence -- that she had no joy in the last years of her life. And my other grandmother, Leah, was so debilitated by Parkinson's Disease, that she had no control of her body at the end. So jumping ahead to the finish line doesn't guarantee peace.

Gradually, over the last 20 years, I learned to embrace life. I learned that the most difficult and painful experiences are the ones that teach us the most about who we are. Life is, truly, one long series curriculum; with the right attitude, most of the "courses" are fun, as well as educational. The first reading in Sri Swami Satchidananda's wonderful collection of essays, "The Golden Present," talks about the importance of embracing all of life in a wonderful piece called "Jump the Hurdles." It reads, in part:

"Life must be a challenge. Only then is it exciting. In an obstacle race, you are forced to surmount all the obstacles: to jump over the hurdles, go through barrels, crawl under rugs, climb over walls. What would happen if, to avoid all that, you went around all the obstacles and asked for the winner's cup? Would they give it to you? No. They would say, "You must go back and face all the obstacles." Life is a game, and we are proving ourselves ... If your life is always smooth, when you have great grandchildren you won't be able to sit back and tell them about all the adventures you had."

My curriculum certainly has been, and is now, rich as well as eclectic: Acting, law school, marriage, motherhood, divorce, marriage, more motherhood, teaching, producing community theater, visiting Nikky, illustrating and painting .... I don't know if my report card will be all "A's," but I will certainly have lots of adventures to tell my great grandchildren.